…train my cat to make dinner!

I woke up this morning in tears…feeling very low and lonely.  I’m still trying to fight off this episode of cellulitis, nothing I do seems to be helping long-term.  I’m frustrated with my GP surgery, every doctor I see (when you can see them that is – last time it was a telephone triage appointment) seems to be unable to understand 2-3 separate problems can connect to make one big problem and the solution isn’t always the standard you would have for each initial problem.  They understand cellulitis, as a condition, but not in conjunction with lipoedema; in fact, I can’t even get them to acknowledge lipoedema, they always correct me with lymphoedema (‘cos I’m fat and have large legs) and if I repeat lipoedema, they give me that look as if I’m a simpleton. No GP has ever looked it up, or taken any interest in lipoedema.  After all, how could a lay-person who suffers from a condition, no more than a doctor who has studied general medicine for years.

All I can say is I’m totally, and utterly, disappointed and frustrated by most medical professionals (except specialist nurses; they are under-rated and under-valued).  I’m not sure if it is particular to Birmingham (‘cos this place is a shit-heap), or because the NHS is being squeezed into oblivion by the Tory government, but things have certainly changed.  There is no ‘care’ in healthcare these days.  If your condition doesn’t fall into a neat little box you’ve got no hope.  All they want to do is foist their drugs, lotions or potions on you; as long as we keep profiting  the pharmaceutical companies (and their shareholders) it seems people’s lives, health and, in particular, their mental health do not matter.  I suppose this is why the internet to some extent is a life-saver.  Although it is difficult wading through the diatribe, eventually you come across some good advice, humour, support etc.  The difficulty is everyone has an idea and when you want a quick solution it can be very frustrating.

Over the past few years (prior to diagnosis) I invested in solutions to my problems by buying stuff (chi-machine, rebounder, vibration plate) or consuming strange concoctions (apple cider vinegar, gelatine, bullet-proof coffee).  All of which I am unable to determine has helped or hindered my progress, I have always been looking for a quick fix (2-3 weeks) to see or feel an overall improvement, if nothing definitive I’d go back to the drawing board (internet) and start again.  This is why I’m frustrated with healthcare provision at present, it places the onus on the patient to investigate their condition and to find solutions unless of course you are willing to take prescribed medication.  The problem I have with just taking medication, is it deals with the symptoms, but fails to acknowledge the underlying  cause.  The way the NHS is being run, because it is so tight on time, prioritises medication over any other solution and this working model is repeated over and over, so if you have a reaction to one medication they often prescribe another to deal with that symptom and if the same thing happens another medication, and another – ad infinitum.  We are encouraged to be drug addicts, but not happy-clappy drug addicts, ‘cos the pharmaceutical companies, its shareholders and the government don’t want you to feel happy in a natural way ‘cos they can’t make money off.  They want you feeding off their drugs, keeping you in just the right amount of pain and misery, so as to be able to offer you more – all the while slowly destroying your internal organs.

All I want is a meaningful discussion, not limited to ten minutes, to discuss my concerns, my fears and possible solutions – I want a more holistic approach to my  healthcare, but I’m afraid I think it more likely I can train my cat to make dinner!

…scum of the earth…

For those who don’t know meine dunkleheit is german for ‘my darkness’.  The title is a little ambiguous; perhaps relating to my dark innermost thoughts but also giving a wee nod to my little dark friend Izzi (whom I affectionately call Der Kleine Dunkle).  She is by no means my only little friend (she’s just the youngest) she has three siblings; Remi, Mili and Popi (you’ll read more about them later).



Izzi is just over two years old and she’s a rescue cat.  We rescued her from the South Birmingham Cat’s Protection homing centre on 26 April 2015.  She is a very strange wee cat; very independent and determined.  She loves being outside and recently due to the long warm and sunny days we have hardly seen her save for a few minutes each day when she comes in for food.  She seems a very happy and contented wee cat.

I wish I was as happy and contented as wee Izzi… this week has been particularly difficult because it has been so hot; a British heatwave no less.  These heatwaves generally last 3-5 days but what makes them so unbearable is how quickly the temperature rises from around 15° shooting up to 28° almost overnight.  Also, in the Midlands (because we are land locked) there is no air, not the slightest breeze and the air feels heavy, like treacle.  Its hard to breathe, especially at night.  The slightest movement has me sweating profusely.  I seem to sweat out of my head therefore my hair always looks frizzy.  To be honest, I’m not so bothered about how I look its how I feel, exhausted,  swollen, achy and damp.  Also, I am quite overweight and have lipoedema and fibromyalgia; two conditions which do not tolerate the heat well.  More about that in subsequent posts…

The news this week has focused on the Grenfell Tower disaster and the aftermath of the general election.  I have read so much about both I feel sort of numb.  The Grenfell fire was horrifying, but not nearly as horrifying as all the ‘hearts and flowers’ bollocks that has been going on since.  It never ceases to amaze me how charitable and kind people appear to be after an event.  Before this fire, nobody seemed to gave a shit.  They still voted for the ridiculous policies of the Tories, but now everybody and his dog sees the logic of the Labour party under Jeremy Corbyn, and are preaching his policies as if they agreed with him all along.  People change their opinions and standpoint only when they are scared other people will think badly of them or they want to somehow further their own agenda/popularity or appease their own conscience.  Fucking Simon Cowell and all the other human detritus with their ‘song for Grenfell’ – it makes me puke.  They have to attach themselves to other people’s suffering for good press because they are the scum of the earth.