Woke up today in much the same mood as yesterday, feeling very tearful, and achy. I made some really bad choices yesterday, which I paid heavily for last night; the echoes of which are hanging around this morning. Because I was feeling so low, the weather seems to have worsened and the temperature plummeting I was in need of something comforting to eat and decided (against my better judgement) to have some macaroni cheese. Its been a long time since I’ve had this, especially made with real pasta and not spelt pasta. I made a big casserole dish, planning to have as a side order with some salmon, somehow I omitted the salmon and ended up with a ginormous plateful of macaroni cheese on its own. I admit whilst eating, it was delicious however, I quickly realised I’d made a mistake and spent the entire evening sipping hot water to help with the indigestion and bloating it gave me. When will I learn?? When am I going to start taking better care of myself and stop giving in to flights of fancy, after all I always suffer more in the long run. As I sit writing this having taken Co-codamol to ease the pain and had a long chat/cry with my patient and put-upon husband, I am feeling a bit better. I know I’ve got to stop all this mithering, take affirmative action (wow, that sounds powerful) and start living my life in the real world and not in my head. To that extent I’ve decided to start the Pregabalin tablets I was given by the pain management team and re-visit LCHF (low carb high fat) as a lifestyle choice. Last week I pondered whether or not to take the Pregabalin due to fears of gaining more weight, trouble coming off them and general anxiety concerning worsening of my symptoms. I realise I’m in limbo at present and by taking the medication I will find out 1) they don’t make any difference or 2) make me worse (in which case, I stop them) or they can 3) help make things better (a good thing). I have also given myself an initial 6-12 month window for taking them. I am hoping they will take the edge of my pain, helping me mobilise better and hopefully start doing things I enjoy, which in turn may help with my low mood. Win/win. I have also got a date for my Lignocaine infusion (27 September); once again I am mithering whether to go ahead with this or not, I’m quite nervous but also think I should give it a go. What is the point of asking for help if you never actually take it?
I’m off now to do some planning and preparation there is a lot of stuff in the kitchen that is not LCHF which needs to be used up; the Scot in me won’t let me just throw out good food so I’ve got to become quite creative to use it up without compromising the principles of LCHF too much. However, before that I’ve got to decide whether to eat the remaining macaroni cheese and suffer one last time or force feed my husband and he can suffer for me. Who would have thought macaroni cheese could be so lethal.