…drown out the endless chatter in my head.

I’ve been trying to meditate the last few days but finding my technique just ends up putting me to sleep.  I found this information online which may help.

Ideally meditation is done in the Padmasana or Lotus Position i.e cross legged position. But sitting on a comfortable chair is also fine as long as the head doesnt touch the wall or rests against the sofa because then one will go to sleep. Sleeping/lying position is not recommended for meditation because meditation being a passive activity will lead to sleep in lying position.
In heartfulness meditation, we are advised to sit comfortably on a chair/sofa or floor and with the spine comfortably erect so that the grace can flow easily.

At least I now know where I am going wrong; head touching either the bed or back of sofa.  I think this meditation malarky is going to be much more difficult in future.  I suppose ‘practice makes perfect’.  Also, I am hoping if I see/feel the benefits of meditation then it will all be worthwhile.

I’m now a week on from having my Reiki session and things are definitely different.  I feel calmer is some respects but finding it increasingly difficult to bite my tongue.  I feel I am lashing out at Dave quite a lot.  I’m not saying he doesn’t deserve it ‘cos I feel  I’ve almost bitten off my tongue trying to keep calm over the years.  I think I now realise I’ve got to be more true to myself, for too long now I’ve been putting his needs (and feelings, especially his anxiety and stress) before my own; bottling up my feelings/anxiety/stresses and letting them burst out, uncontrolled, when I feel I can take no more is not a good way of dealing with things.  Mostly because the last niggle or annoyance, which creates the explosion, is minor in comparison to the number of niggles and annoyances which have swallowed down and tried to keep under control.

In addition to the bubbling anger and frustration my aches and pains appear to have come back tenfold.  I don’t know if this is because I’ve not been sleeping well over the last couple of nights or it is more to do with the fact I’ve been eating badly (too many carbs) or in the darkest recesses of my mind I think I’m dying from heart failure, or something equally sinister!!  It could also be the Lignocaine infusion, I had at the end of last year, is wearing off.  I know I suffer with health anxiety but for a while now I’ve felt more breathless on exertion, I’m getting a bit of chest discomfort (which could be indigestion) and feeling bloated regardless of what I eat.  I know I need to exercise, to get my heart pumping, to build-up my muscles before they liquify, but I also have this fear when I feel my heart pumping and I start to sweat and feel uncomfortable, I fret more about causing myself a heart attack.  This negative thought cycle is only one of the problems I hope to cure with meditation, to be able to just live in my body (as shit as it may be) without fretting, without catastrophizing (but also without pain) would be wonderful.  Hence, I need to get on and practice my meditation skills and drown out the endless chatter in my head.

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