Its been a while since I last wrote. I’m not sure if the reason for my online disappearance was a sense of despair and hopelessness or just laziness. Anyway, its been a while and I now feel less despairing, hopeless and lazy hence, I’m writing this entry. I have no idea what my last entry was about and I have no intention of reading through it, that is the past and I don’t want to remind myself of how I felt then, especially if I was all doom and gloom, as I now feel slightly more positive. I’m not sure if the positivity has slowly grown over the past month or is as a result of the Reiki massage I had on Tuesday; whatever the reason I now feel ready to do something other than sit, watch TV and feel sorry for myself. Again, I think this feeling has as much to do with the beginning of a New Year. I tend to feel inspired at the beginning of a New Year, it gives me an opportunity to start again, a chance to review and change previous mistakes.
This year like most years the uppermost thoughts in my mind relate to diet, exercise, feeling and looking better, but this year I am going to try and focus on feeling better physically and mentally by not relying on measurements of weight and girth but having fun, making small longterm changes for the better and having new experiences. I have just celebrated another birthday, I am now 53 years-old. As I think about those 53 years I am aware that the last 20, whilst living in Birmingham, have been uneventful and staid. Every year for the past 20 years I feel I’ve lost a little bit of myself; I’m not saying I was anything special beforehand I just have this sense of getting lost along the way. I feel worn down and embittered by life, I feel disappointed by people and I realise I have just sat back and allowed this to happen. Along the way I have made the effort to change my life, myself, my situation etc. but I have lacked the courage of my own convictions, I have given up too soon if the results of my efforts didn’t bear fruit quickly. This blog is testament to that ethos; yet another project started which after a few months dwindled until it slowly died away. I’ve no intention of making false promises of being good and getting better, trying to become the person I see in my mind’s eye. Instead I am going to take one day at a time and try and make a difference. I want to feel at peace in my head, enjoy the things I have and appreciate the people I know whilst at the same time remove the negative thoughts, the stuff that is cluttering up my house and the people who drain my positivity. All in all, I’m going to become a Buddhist!!!