Five more minutes is all I need…

How do I stop the screaming in my head.  For the last 20 minutes its been constant.  I despair sometimes, wondering if I’ll ever be alright again.  I don’t mean physically, I’ve accepted that’s never going to happen (although accepted is far fetched, grudging acceptance may be closer to the mark).  Mentally I feel worse than I do physically, especially today.  The day started much like any other; got up, showered, dried my hair, had breakfast etc. I was not working today as I’d booked the day off to be with my husband, at his suggestion.  We’ve spent a lot of time recently de-cluttering, what a fucking thankless task that is.  Feels more like swirling around in all of your belongings, being reminded of the hopes and dreams you once had, only to find them boxed up at the back of the cupboard with the rest of your sad little life.  It’s cold again today and I’ve spent the last hour in bed, out of boredom rather than any other reason.   Everything aches, I’ve eaten badly again today.   I cannot seem to take care of myself, I get angry with myself for not taking care of myself, for not nurturing myself, for not being kind to myself and then I blame those around for not taking care of me either.  I feel in a chicken and egg situation; what came first my mental anguish or my physical breakdown; which one do I attend to first.  As I sit writing this my husband is in the background, his mere presence is getting on my nerves, his breathing, his sighing, his inability to fucking understand what is going on with me!!!  Yet it’s not his fault.  All I can do is fight down the urge to lash out at him, so I ignore him and his breathing and sighing becomes louder and louder.  FFS, he’s spent the last few hours in his ‘man-cave’ ignoring me, how can it be that as soon as I get up and move around he’s there asking, pleading “what’s wrong?”, “are you O.K?”.  I swear if he asks what’s for dinner I might throw this ruddy computer at him.  I am hoping writing this will help release frustration, will settle me down so I can pretend once again everything is OK.  I can feel it dissipate a little, I no longer want to kill the man sitting on the sofa behind me.  Although I swear if he speaks I may punch his face in.  Five more minutes and I’ll be alright.  The darkness will have passed and I’ll be back in the the dreary grey area of my life, which is manageable.  Five more minutes is all I need…

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