Was working ’til 1:00pm. I’d bought two new pairs of varifocals, a week past Saturday; one pair was fine but the other didn’t seem right. I’d worn them for a couple of days but then stopped because they gave me a headache. I decided to come into town and get them sorted out (they cost a small fortune). The chap in the shop (who was about 15 years-old) fiddled about with them and said I should try wandering around to see if they felt better. Decided to stop for a spot of lunch at EAT, my feet were aching, it was awfy hot and I think the adjustment to my glasses was making me feel sick. Also, I was wearing half-leg compression stockings which doesn’t help in the heat. I chose a tuna and cheese melt along with a latte for lunch.
Lunch was delicious, but afterwards, the guilt and shame for succumbing to something so yummy hit me hard; you’d think I’d just eaten an entire three tier wedding cake? But earlier every time I caught sight of myself in a mirror I was completely taken aback. I hardly recognised myself; I looked so fat! The mirrors at home didn’t make me look so bad; were the mirrors in town different? I would have thought, if anything, they would make you look better so as to lull you into buying more shit you don’t need. Whatever… I looked and felt horrendous now, so much for this morning’s positive new beginning, feeling good and righteous after my hot lemon drink. If it wasn’t so tragic it would be funny; all that positivity undone by lunch. Story of my life. It’s just a regular sandwich, people eat this sort of shit every day, but to me its a reminder of my continued striving and suffering; a symbol of everything I hate and despise about myself, all doughy and warm just like my big, fat, useless body. (I’m hoping this approach is therapeutic; if I put all my negativity into the internet maybe I’ll be left with love and acceptance; that’s the plan anyway).
Over lunch I checked my ‘phone for updates; now I am feeling more defeated. I have just read #Maybot has done a deal with the #DUP costing £1bn. I can’t put into words the level of bile I’m desperately trying to hold back. What happened to human decency? When did we let the psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists, sycophants and all manner of human detritus loose in government with no checks and balances? I, like most people, have no problem paying my way but I am sick and tired of a small gaggle of the uber wealthy taking more than their fare share. When are the sheep of this country (world) going to wake up and realise we are being exploited and its not the undeserving poor we need to fear but the rich and powerful. Vive la Revolution.