Yet another horrible day. This time due to severe aches and pains and a cottonwool-like feeling in my head. I’ve struggled to get motivated today but I am feeling generally low in mood. I feel genuinely unwell but at the same time I feel I’m being a hypochondriac. I’m totally obsessed with food, believing it is the cause of all my ills and if only I could eat better then I would feel better and have a good life. I know it’s not that simple but I really struggle trying to find another cause for my woes. I feel stuck in a chicken and egg scenario of what came first; weight problems caused by lipoedema or lipoedema causing weight problems. In addition to this, fibromyalgia due to weight problems and lipoedema or fibromyalgia as a result of weight problems, lipoedema and the added complication of a bad diet. Aaarrggghhh..
There is a lot of information out there on the internet but it is very difficult to actually speak to someone, particularly in the medical profession, who can see past the weight and understand the mental, as well, as physical limitations of these conditions. I’m sick of hearing ‘lose weight and exercise’ as if this in itself will cure all. For one, exercise is difficult when every part of your being aches; all my joints, my knees especially, and its difficult to find shoes which are comfy and supportive, just to go out for a walk. That’s why I tend to obsess about food. In the past its generally been about dieting; less calories in will result in weight loss. However, over the years and much research later it has shown that this is not necessarily the case and it seems to be more about what you eat rather then how much. Yet again I’ve researched, trying to find something that works for me. Last year I had limited success with LCHF, although I felt a bit better (less pain, better mood) the weight didn’t seem to budge. However, as is generally the case, it is difficult to stick to this type of eating pattern without a serious commitment and good organisation. Both of which wane in time, especially when those around you are tucking into everything and anything. Every day feels like a battle, breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, drinks; good food, bad food; can’t have, won’t have, should have, shouldn’t have; an endless fucking cycle.
Many have said ‘all it takes is small changes’, so years ago I gave up eating snacks especially those at work (birthday cakes, TFIF cakes etc.) and stuck to just three meals a-day. Did it make any difference, did it fuck! I sometimes wish I could be that person who eats shit all day; fast food, crisps, sweets, cakes, drinks fizzy pop etc. so that I could give something up just to see the difference it would make. Now don’t get me wrong, my diet isn’t all lettuce leaves and cucumbers but it is reasonably healthy, my biggest failings are bread, butter and cheese. Even then, I’ve moved over to spelt flour, not all the time but definitely more than normal wheat bread. Has that made a difference – nope. I don’t drink alcohol. I gave up smoking many years ago. I try to drink a lot of water. None of it makes a difference.
In spite of this I’ve tried desperately to remain positive, always looking for new angles, but as I’ve got older (now 52!) my positivity is drying up. I used to get some comfort from clothes and shoes but even they are abandoning me. Everything is made for tiny, little people. Shoes are too narrow and they are so lightweight!! I have small feet but they are broad, therefore I need something that feels substantial that will last longer than it takes for me to walk home. Clothes are worse, the fabrics are absolutely shit; again they are too lightweight, you can see what you had for breakfast through them. The sizing’s are all wrong, there’s no seam allowances and the fashions themselves, OMG!! I truly believe there is a conspiracy forcing overweight people to conform to measurements deemed acceptable by society and anyone refusing to conform are forced to buy clothes on the black market or go naked. And fat-shaming will become and internet game or Saturday night prime time show.
Typing this as it is slowly moving from afternoon to evening, at last I’ve given in and taken some painkillers therefore I’m feeling less achy and painful; I am now moving into the guilt-phase of my condition. Guilty for not eating better, guilty for not doing anything more productive, guilty for whinging and moaning but most of a guilty for feeling so self-absorbed. Ah well, tomorrow is another day – back to work, doing for others which I wish I could do for myself. Sunday bloody Sunday.