Yet another horrible day. This time due to severe aches and pains and a cottonwool-like feeling in my head. I’ve struggled to get motivated today but I am feeling generally low in mood. I feel genuinely unwell but at the same time feel I’m being a hypochondriac. I’m totally obsessed with food, believing it is the cause of all my ills and if only I could eat better, then I would feel better and have a good life. I know it’s not that simple but I really struggle trying to find another cause for my woes. I feel stuck in a chicken and egg scenario of what came first; weight problems caused by lipoedema or lipoedema causing weight problems. In addition, is my fibromyalgia due to weight problems and lipoedema or is it a result of weight problems, lipoedema and the added complication of a bad diet. Aaarrggghhh. I wish I could stop overthinking!!
Granted, there is a lot of information out there on the internet but it is very difficult to actually speak to someone, particularly in the medical profession, who can see past the weight and understand the mental, as well, as physical limitations of these conditions. I’m sick of hearing ‘lose weight and exercise’ as if this in itself will cure all; exercise is difficult when every part of your being aches. Every joint, especially my knees, ache and it is difficult to find comfy and supportive shoes, just to go out for a walk when your feet are small, but swollen. That is why I tend to obsess about food. In the past it has generally been about dieting; less calories in will result in weight loss. However, over the years and after much reading this may not necessarily be the case, new research seems to be saying it is more about what and when you eat, rather than how much. I’ve conducted endless investigations, trying to find something that works for me. Last year, I had limited success with LCHF, although I felt a bit better (less pain, better mood) the weight didn’t seem to budge. However, as is generally the case, it is difficult to stick to this type of eating pattern without serious commitment, good organisation and support from those around you. Every day feels like a battle, breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, drinks; good food, bad food; can’t have, won’t have, should have, shouldn’t have; on and on, an endless fucking cycle.
Many have said ‘all it takes are small changes’, so years ago I gave up eating snacks especially those at work (birthday cakes, TFIF cakes etc.) and stuck to just three meals a-day. Did it make any difference, did it fuck! Sometimes I wish I could be that person, who eats shit all day, fast food, crisps, sweets, cakes, drinks fizzy pop etc. so that I could give something up just to see the difference it would make. Now don’t get me wrong, my diet isn’t all lettuce leaves and cucumbers but it is reasonably healthy, my biggest failings are bread, butter and cheese. Even then, I’ve moved over to spelt flour, not all the time but definitely more than normal wheat bread. Has that made a difference – nope. I don’t drink alcohol, I gave this up when I gave up smoking many years ago and I try to drink a lot of water. For me, none of it makes a difference or makes sense anymore.
In spite of all this, I’ve tried desperately to remain positive, always looking for new angles, but as I’ve gotten older (now 52!) my positivity is drying up. I used to get some comfort from clothes and shoes but even they are abandoning me. Everything seems to be being made for tiny, little people and most shoes are too narrow and made of lightweight material. Although I have small feet, they are broad, therefore I need something wider and which feels substantial; hoping they will at least last longer than the walk home. Clothes are worse, the fabrics are absolutely shit, too lightweight; you can see what you had for breakfast through them. The sizing’s are all wrong too and there are no seam allowances to make any kind of adjustment. Don’t get me started on the fashions themselves, OMG!! I truly believe there is a conspiracy forcing overweight people to conform to measurements deemed acceptable by society and anyone refusing to conform are forced to buy clothes on the black market or go naked. Not long before fat-shaming will become and internet game or Saturday night prime time show.
I’m typing this and it is slowly moving from afternoon to evening, at last I’ve given in and taken some painkillers therefore I’m feeling less achy and painful; I am now moving into the guilt-phase of my condition. Guilty for not eating better, guilty for not doing anything more productive, guilty for whinging and moaning but most of a guilty for feeling so self-absorbed. Ah well, tomorrow is another day – back to work, doing for others which I wish I could do for myself. Tell me why, don’t like Sunday’s…